In spite of being born in ex Yugoslavia and raised in smuggling Kinder surprise eggs when border crossing between Italy and Yugoslavia, it took me years to bring awareness to all of the emotions I was smuggling inside of my body each time I didn't feel being understood or accepted despite the efforts I put in building trust and loving relationships.
It does not surprise me anymore when I meet self-proclaimed tantriks who keep on wearing masks but at the same time attempt to know their original faces. They expect to come to the real through the false. I see them as singing in front of thousands of people without a microphone on. That would be a concert where instead of hearing a frontman, you would be hearing the screamings of thousands of people surrounding him. Something similar happened to me years ago, on a way to Oasis concert in Italy. We were playing the spinning bottle and I was said to go into a room with a lover of my best friend. My guts were telling me don't go there, but I was listening to the voices of people surrounding me instead. Go, it's just a game. An "innocent" game ended up in an attempt of abuse and terminated the so-called friendships and put me and my friend in a very vulnerable position.
The greatest teacher of all times is time. Time teaches you to efficiently uncover things that lie beneath the surface.
Tantra cannot be practiced, you have to relax yourself into it, you have to dissolve yourself into it. It is not 50 Shades of Grey, it is rich in color like a psychedelic rainbow. Through the body we are bringing the experience into the conscious mind. Whom or what should we follow? Should we follow a man? A guru? Our mind? Our yoni? Our heart?
I´m realising that I always had guts but it took me years to realize that I never actually listened to them. I never really listened to my gut brain. It is on the level of the third chakra where our vital energy is turning into emotions. And third chakra is called MANIPURA not MANIPULA. Emotional holding creates chronical tensions and old traumatic memories function like gluten. They stick and enhance peoples´mental constipation and further their addiction to downtrodden personal identities. When I say downtrodden I speak from my body. I speak from the feelings I´ve experienced today (guilt and pride) which made me question compromising and adjusting. They made me question how healthy they are for me as a woman who wants to stand proudly in her feminine presence, as a woman who wants to bring forth deeply needed social changes.
Until recently I was focusing on earning virtue instead of focusing on earning money. Many people mistakenly think that enhancing virtues means accumulating all sorts of knowledge and data (I´ve been doing that as you can imagine), but only few of them are aware of equal importance of emptying and clearing. Enhancing virtues costs you a lot more than just money, it costs you time. Chinese have a very nice term for accumulating jilei 积累, the lei part itself 累 holds a meaning of being tired, weary, fatigued. Accumulation of anything; be it possessions, lovers or knowledge is sapping our life force and therefore making us compliant and ignorant.
Compromise should be an agreement that is reached by each side making concessions, but many times the stronger side prevailes. And many times the stronger side stems form unbalanced masculine energy. I felt that today when somebody ˝asked˝ me to give him a session in a very patronizing way. He was probably acting from unconscious motivations but I cannot ignore how hurt I felt. He didn´t say "Špela, I would love to experience a session from you." He said: "If you need somebody to practice on, I´m here." It is true that I´m an eternal student of life, but it is also true, that giving sessions is not my hobby anymore, but an integral part of my profession as a sexual therapist. A session takes at least 3 hours of my time and full attention and it hurts me, when a person devalues me and my work by having guts to approach me in this manner. My decisions to offer my services free of charge should be made out of choice, not out of duty.
I´m learning to be with the feelings as they arise but I´m also learning to let them go. I´m noticing that western culture is emphasizing learning through past. The consequence is that we are aware of the feelings but we do not fully experience them because we keep bringing past into present. In this way we are not really being PRESENT. Life of majority of people is like a continuous copy- paste or copy PAST.
All that matters is not what´s right. All that matters is right now. I´m not learning through past; I´m learning now and I´m learning through time. It is only by feeling that we are moving the energy out of unconsciousness, but in order to feel what´s in the now, we need to clear stuck emotions which are holding us in our past. A very efficient method for that is one of my treatments, a fusion of shamanic and qi neizang abdominal work. During the session I can access and communicate to individual´s natural sexual energy. I don´t achieve this through analysis; I understand it by going into sadhana and thereby clearing it of unconsious programmings and old ideas about gender roles and vulnerability.
If you want to be in tune with your own feelings as well as with emotions of others, you have to be able to establish strong pelvic and emotional boundaries. It is not a process of conceptualization. It is about an embodyment of awareness of how the world influences you. It is not about focusing on things that are out of your control, it is about establishing your power center and functioning out of it, within your choice.
No smuggling. Lots of surprises.
I'm busy working on my blog posts. Watch this space!