A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together might become a reality. You can always dream just about anything or anyone but you have no right to expect from others to share your dreams. This is called FREE WILL which represents the basis of all the other forms of freedom. Becoming aware of our own myth(s) represents a major part of shadow work, sohere we go:
I used to dream of a prince charming, but apparently my fate decided to deprive me of an experience of being woken up from deep sleep by beloved´s kiss. I was awaken at the age of 21 when my kundalini raised spontaneously to my third eye. My focus was being redirected from dreaming of a prince charming to (mostly, NOT ALL… at all!) beggars who were crying for my love, help and protection.
I remember how impressed I was by the beggars I met during my first year in China. They were street artists who transformed their sad life experiences into stories beautifully written on the pavements. Considering that their stunning caligraphy was written using only chalk, they were true masters of non-attachment. They became my greatest zen masters (chan masters to be precise).
In my homeland there are more than enough opportunities to meet beggars of a different kind; dull beggars (men deprived of creativeness), stubborn beggars (men who like to control others and whose idea of a partnership is a dictatorship), little beggars (men who never grow up and remain little boys forever) and insolent beggars (men who like to insult others in order to feel bigger themselves). They all have one thing in common- Their unwavering ATTACHMENT to their suffering. They have another thing in common; they want you to suffer with them and the most extreme ones even want you to suffer FOR THEM.
My fascination with beggars culminated last year, when I met a 37 years old guy (caucasian, dark eyes, dark personality) who is an incarnation of all the above mentioned beggars (with the exception of the Chinese, creative ones).
THIS IS A STORY OF A FAIRLY GOOD LOOKING NARCISSIST, SO-CALLED LOVE THERAPIST
We had one thing in common. None of us was collecting coins. He was collecting women and because I knew I couldn´t count on him I started counting them; women. I do like to coin words though. I am deeply aware that the purpose of communication is not only sharing of information, but helping ourselves and others suffer less.
Once upon a time…
….he enters your life looking sweet and using sugercoated words to reveal your deepest secrets to you. Beware as he will read you like an open book and these are the only words of truth you will ever hear from him. All the rest is lie and will remain a lie. If you are married or in a relationship, he will make sure you believe that you deserve better, you deserve him because he is in love with you and not only that, he claims he is the love of your life and you are meant to be together. Then he will tell you how you´ve been together in previous life (or lives) and what a destiny it is to meet you again. He makes you believe he posseses the power of a dragon, but in reality going on a ride with him is like ridig a crocodile. Sooner or later (depending on how fast he gets you into bed) you become a prey of mind games fueled by his emotional instability. He grabs you and spins you, disorienting and confusing you to the point that you don´ t really know anymore who you are or who you believe you are, you can´t form any verbal thoughts to protect yourself anymore. When you are being whipped so totally out of balance there is no other solution then surrendering. He takes you over, he makes you think you need him and then a prolonged phase of chronical gaslighting begins which will make you think you are crazy. He´s distorting reality and demanding that you agree with his distorted view. He leaves you drowning in pain, believing everything is wrong with you so you don´t deserve his attention anymore. You will be idealizing him and seeking his approval and after some time he will keep on engaging with you again, but just so he can feel good about himself. Of course nobody ever taught you about the power of intermittent reinforcement, and involuntarily you become a rat in a narcissist´s laboratory- you become owned by the game. He will give you a little taste of what you need, but he will give it to you inconsistently and unpredictably. The price is big. The suffering even bigger. YOU ARE NOT ALONE, WE ARE MANY- most of us sharing a pattern of being brought up by a society which made us believe we need to be perfect in order to deserve man´s love. (THE COLLECTIVE SHADOW which disempowers women by making them competitive instead of collaborative)
We have a possibility in every moment to renew ourselves, to shed our old skin, to become a better version of ourselves, but this kind of people choose to stay the same forever. They stay manipulative, selfish, arrogant twats hiding under the mask of a perfect man. Behind that mask they are reluctant to let go of their suffering, to bring light in and to let it merge with shadows. They only know how to recreate the same suffering again and again and how to pull others in. No matter how hard you try, they don´t change- they prefer to never change… but they like to manipulate you into thinking that they are willing, that they are trying… when in fact they are only fishing for new opportunities to feed on extreme emotions they provoke in you and other women.
I am starting to get an insight into why men are in fear of a woman like me. I care and I dare. I care for people, that is why I care for the words I use; Of course that ˝man˝ is not a man of my own kidney, but because he drained so much of life energy out of my kidneys, it´s time to learn the lesson of self-care. You know what, this whole drama taught me that for the whole time I was being a beggar myself.
(TO BE CONTINUED)
I only have one wish; AN AWAKENED MAN. A man who lives with integrity, accountability and self-awareness. A man who is not striving to be perfect but who is complete. This time I´m not begging. I´m ready.
I'm busy working on my blog posts. Watch this space!